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A psychosis diary
          - How someone goes crazy -

A personal experience of schizophrenia
(Warning! Don't read the story if you are mentally unstable.)

Contents

Introduction

First you have only certain physical symptoms, then you have suddenly new realizations about the world and your life situation. From one minute to the other you are the centre of a secret conspiracy of the world powers. You are watched, monitored by special agents of both sides and led to an uncertain aim. Naturally you are on the good side and have a mission. But which? Satellites are set onto you and a brain scanning machine. The opposing side wants to make you crazy. All television programs are made specially for you. You want to prove courage and bravery. You eats nothing more and makes stamina standing. After a narcosis, you believe the universe in your head would have inverted itself and the further existence of the universe would depend on an instability in your head. You believe therefore not to be allowed to think any longer clearly. The scientists of the earth monitor therefore your head! You are ready to let you dematerialize. Finally is the nightmare past. This is the strange, but true history of a severe psychotic episode, as I experienced it.

The first symptoms

It was in a late summer of last century - I had finished my studies successfully and worked as a freshbaked graduate in a Berlin large-scale enterprise - then I got such an unpleasant feeling at the neck shortly above the collar-bone. I attributed it to the circulation and thought, I would have to do more sport. That were the aftereffects of the stress of the completion of thesis (diploma). That this the first signs of a coming nerve illness were, to it I in the dream would not have thought.

The following months I was strongly busy with the programming of a project for the department. Often I operated until late into the night. In springtime of the next our boss had decided to form a new computer specialist department. However, I wanted to remain in my department at that time, because of the nice colleagues. So I had been through very unpleasant personnel discussions, where a higher boss pressurized me strongly, in a very unrefined way. I remained in my position. A few days later I got pains in the heart area and in bed seemed it to me in such a way in the evening, as if this bad boss causes the heart stabbing by a remote control. I was strongly concerned and thought in this moment, he was the personified bad, the devil. On the next day I believed only in circulation problems and meant, I would have to do more sport. With the following forest run I had caught a cold then and was ill for two weeks. The heart aches eased.

I had the need in the next months to experience as much as possible. So I was often on the way alone in other environment. However, at the same time I was dissatisfied about a missing leisure rhythm. The fact that I had at the moment no girlfriend oppressed me anyway. So I sat after one week vacation with arduous bicycle tours in August in the train back to Berlin.

A fatal meeting

While the home travel I became acquainted with a woman. Already after the first view contacts a large warmth flowed through my body and me was very unsteady in the heart area. I could not give her up no more, I thought, my heart otherwise would shatter. I was allowed to visit her and fell in love terribly. After two further visits with her and her two girls I was obviously too much for her. A letter came, she wrote: "Farewell!". I was despaired, could only cry in the first moment. I could not so simply say "Farewell!". It was impossible. The following days I was like paralysed. I could think of nothing different one than of her and this heart heat pain at our meeting. I must somehow be meant for her, I thought.

Phases, where I was well, changed off with days, where I was again completely internally paralysed and could only brood. I wrote letters, she should help me, I couldn't manage it alone. My thoughts circled only around my feeling to her. I interpreted my aches in the heart area as love pains. In films and radiosongs I found allusions to my situation and it tormented me. My relationship with nature during walks grew ever more emotional. I got still another letter, I should understand, it would be better so. But I was mentally at the end. I did not understand it any longer. After days of total mental paralysis I could not do no more. I went to her. She said, she had already a friend and I would have to go through.

Strange to say I felt as released. The children had still someone except the mother. I was relieved, but tiredly and deeply affected.

Changed perception and new insights

I asked myself, that should have been it all now? What was that for a feeling to her? A feeling, how to a girlfriend? No, that with this heart pain had to be more! She had mentioned, she had relatives in the place, from which my mother comes. I groped into the trap. She must be a relative of me somehow, I imagined myself. Yes, only this way this feeling could be explained, what had overwhelmed me. She had to be a kind of sister of me.

I had met unknown relatives of me, what a providence of fate. I was overwhelmed. I wrote for hours at several pages a long letter for my "sister". I stated all my feelings and new realizations and brought coincidentally fitting observations also in the play (e.g. "the church to the Father's House strikes twelve in this moment."). I linked my considerations with church things, because I knew from her that her father was a pastor. I put still collected multicolored autumn leaves and other insights about he world, from wich I believed to have to tell her absolutely in the letter so e.g. about the Indians and the Biblical messages Salomos. I stuck the thick pile personally into her mail box and drove late on Saturday to my parents.

On the following Sunday I hardly ate something. I was so much excited from my discoveries. In the west television a series came named "Oh God, Mr. Pastor". It was spoken about celibacy. Yes, took exactly reference to my "realizations". With the parting I tried my mother to it to refer, but she did not understand. In the rapid-transit railway I passed out . A man brought me on the platform. I chewed then something bread, which I had with me and from the supervision I got a glass of water. Bread and water! It becomes slowly Biblical, I thought. At the station Lenin avenue I did not go past. Here she lived. My heart drew me to her. I stepped out. Ahead a black-dressed young woman ran. She ran suddenly. Strangely enough I also had to run, my heart it otherwise would not stand. This reaction to colours I had then only four days later. I rang at her. She looked only from the window down above however did not open. And I seemed myself like a crazy person.

The following day was a real "black" Monday for me. I was at the end. At the end with my nerves. But that I needed urgently medical assistance, I could not imagine myself. On the work I helped a colleague to enter data. Number for number flickered green over the display. Each number means a people fate, I thought. Am I God? This allegory came into my mind. I felt the colleagues at one time quite strangely. Each represented a certain nature, e.g. the thoughtful one, the crafty customer, the naive one. That had to be everything like that and I believed suddenly in the prediction. At the night I thought, my heart stops. I had large fear. Saved me a few sip Gotano Vermouth.

On Tuesday Marianne had birthday - a nice colleague. There was as usual a large breakfast party. I ate filled fresh rolls and cakes, drank fruit punch and liquor. The liquor did to me well, but I was totally shattered. They had to see that I was sitting there looking only a picture of misery, I thought. But nobody noticed. The colleagues did to me well. How we sat there in such a way, I thought, that's the birthday of Holy Maria. When the boss sat down to us, he got only a wobbly chair. The devil gets,I thought, what he deserves. It was for me Godservice on Tuesday. (German: Gottesdienst am Dienstag)

The Wednesday (German: Mittwoch) had also a meaning for me. Anyhow I believed now in kind of predetermination. At lunch-break (German: Mittagspause am Mittwoch) I drove too HER and I put for her a small note into the mail box with an apology for my excessive fancy letter. Nevertheless I warned her: "Sister, take care on you! Do not forget to eat!" I believed, something similar would happen to her and she would pass out too. At work I stayed into the late evening at the computer. However, I did not accomplish as well. I was completely blocked. Only a programmed random number movement play kept me apparently active. With a colleague, he was working also longer (because of me?), I returned from the cafeteria. He said to any circumstances: "that is not also the true Jacob." I was not any longer over the things. Thought with me, thus he meant certainly the general manager (was called so), in allusion to the "bad" area boss, who had weared me out in such a way at that time in the personnel discussion.

Fully psychotic

On the next day I was sitting there in lunch time and began to tremble with weakness. From the opposite Spree river bank it thundered from a building site over here. Yes, it is Thursday (German: es donnerte am Donnerstag), I began to understand, and this was my test to stand. My work on the computer was urgent. But I wasn't capable of anymore work. A certain Heinrich called, they needed the lists immediately. Heinrich, the carriage breaks! This Frog Prince utterance came only into my mind. I asked a colleague to help me. At 14 o'clock I made end of workday. I told my colleagues, I would have to recover firstonce. (actually they wanted to go afterwards with me to the physician. So I forestalled them.) Before leaving the factory I got still the evening newspaper to read and my overtaxed brain played the next trick on me.

All articles were exactly adapted to me and my situation. Only I could read the secret messages between the lines. They wanted thereby to say to me somewhat. It was suddenly clear for me that I was kept under secret surveillance. And it was an East-West problem, which was it about. Because I was from East-Berlin, the eastern side was the good one. The West should be tricked somehow. (this process of reference finding on yourself when reading newspapers or experiencing situations, takes place also at mental healthy humans, but these would not consider seriously that they are personally addressed thereby. Only an extremely overtaxed brain cannot differentiate no more between information, for one is intended and other general environmental information.)

When I left the building, a young boy trilled with a trill whistle. Now it begans, I thought. Am I beeing filmed? A woman went ahead to the rapid-transit railway. Under her skirt she had bloody legs. They wanted to make me feeling unwell! That was certainly a hint that I was not allowed to go to the rapid-transit railway. There were certainly the bad western guys, who wanted to kill me. I changed the roadside. Now an unpleasant older man with black leather jacket went slowly ahead. That was the Death! Or at least an allegory for it. I frightened and went in into a house, waited until the chap was away. What now? How should it continue now? I followed my instinct and went on winding ways through Treptower park and Plaenter-Forest toward my apartment. Everything which I saw on the way, had its meaning and a reference to me. The people, which I met or saw, were there only because of me. This was a test!

I made rest in the "Little Egg-House" at the Spree river, drank coffee and ate a piece of cakes. I was observed, clearly. A man who smoked a pipe, was looking at me ever and ever. On the bar a sign hung: "only for V.I.P." - very important person - only for quite special people. I thought, therefore is the thing quite large with you, into which only few people are let in on. Well dressed older ladies came in. They were from the west side! They found me! I paid and went into home direction, but not the direct way the rapid-transit railway station, but in a spiral form up to the dwelling. Traffic signs, the colours of the cars and their stop lights seemed to show me the way. I asked myself, what expects me at home? About what did it actually go in this test? At home everything was the old.

In the evening I drove off again - this time I dared to drive with the rapid-transit railway - with the idée fixe to have to drive to a certain address. Perhaps did I experience more there? The people, which met me, were specially because of me there, said to me my feeling. They were the good ones, watched out for me. There I could go, where I wanted, always was they and observed me. But they made it quite inconspicuous and professional. Certainly specially trained, I thought. When I was then at the address, talking with that people, it was clear to me that it could not be that. On the way back I met passerbies, who said: "One monkey fewer!". That was quite clearly a hint to me and means unsuccessful attempt of getting contact. Or perhaps a reference to my company and the bad boss. Had they arrested him?

In the middle at the night at 2 o'clock I woke up. What the matter only was with my heart? Such pulling and pressing! Opposite in the backyard was an office building. There often in the evening was light in the highest floor. Someone had to indicate these pain from the outside, was suddenly clear to me. There they musted have a new ray cannon to me aligned. In the apartment I could not stay, I thought, otherwise I would die. I wanted to drive anyway in the morning to parents. Then I now drive off, with the bicycle, I said to me. I left everything untouched and to be situated, however put something to eat with me, because I had a long tour before me. It was a mild night at 21rst October 1988. The large city was sleeping.

I had never before driven the route, which I drove, large part. I avoided the large roads. There the western guys could be! The psychotic experiencing continued at the whole tour. The red neon signs at the houses did to me well and said : "You are on the correct way!" Passage prohibitions and one-way streets did not disturb me. In the opposite: Red means: Well so! Also the street names inspired me and gave me courage. A road had wet-squirted. That they made, I realized specially for me. They knew already that I come along here. I seemed to pass the test well. Thus over the puddles! Outside I met a few road-sweepers, sweeping leaves. That was a signal! I descended and pushed my bicycle past. Take a breather, something eat! You are good in the time, wanted to say they to me.

I almost lost my way, but fortunately I saw the lights of the next city lighting up then into the night sky and knew again the direction. In the new building quarters of this city was festive lighting on the roads. The reddish light of the sodium-vapor lamps made courage for me. And everywhere was flown with GDR flags. Because of me, I thought. How dear! (in reality they hung still there of the 7th October - the national holiday.) I felt, how the power left me. My food run out and I had still another whole distance to drive. At the end of the town I discovered suddenly an apple on the road. It was a great red apple. They must have put that down for me, I thought. They knew exactly, how far my energy reserves would last. The apple was eating and drinking in one. This was perhaps a discreet, but permitted assistance from the background. The test had to be absolutely passed!

On the highway a dead black cat was at the roadside. This is a test, I said myself and that has somewhat symbolful. I am certainly to worry about the cat. She was stiff. I pushed her in the ditches. There she should have her peace! Many cars already were oncoming. Their lights dazzled me. And the Russian trucks thundered and hummed and made to me courage in the heart. It grew slowly bright. Now I could use a short cut through the forest. Here I knew my way around. I got a quite pleasant, lucky feeling in the body. In a minute I had done it! It was autumn. Everywhere golden leaves at the trees and quite little nebulas. Marvelously! That was my forest! On secret paths I drove to the apartment of my parents. It was 7:30 a.m.. My mother wanted just to go to the work.

I had done it! I was free on Friday (Freeday). Free of the work and free of Berlin. Was it that? A test whether I can do it without other assistance, driving at night to here? Had East and West bet on me? By the eastern radio newscaster I felt my opinion reinforced, the western speakers were annoyed and spiteful. Outside cars drove past with red labels. They hummed loudly. That gave me strength and courage, however there crawled along also western cars - the opposite side. Had they found me or did look after me? I got from my mother a calming pill and afterwards I slept all day long. (my mother was already very concerned because of my strange behavior.) When I believed then on the next day to have to drive still before the breakfast to my granny into the old people's home, it was too much for her. She ordered the ambulance. There was a "good" and a "bad" patient driver. I saw it at their eyes. That had to be probably belong to the test, I thought and made no rebellion. I still wasn't crazy! But it was humiliating.

The hospital

The chief doctor was a Russian! It had to be still an east west story and it continued thus nevertheless! "No fear!", he said. He examined me, however asked no questions, from my mother already before-informed. (no word of the fact that I had perhaps an acute nerve overtaxing, which cause certain symptoms, e.g. heart pains. Perhaps I would have understood, what was the matter. About a nervous disease he would have had to talk not directly.) A little nurse took me with her and led me to my bed in a large hall. At lunch I should take two white tablets (Haloperidol). I didn't want - swallow tablets - that's all I needed, I was still healthy - however the nurse couldn't be outwitted.

In the watching halll a strangely impulsive young patient welcomed me. His name would be Rainer, he said again and again to me. Rainer - that was the first name of a football player, Rainer Ernst from the BFC Dynamo. I concluded from this greetings that it was an absolutely serious story with me - pure seriosness (German: reiner Ernst). Further in this view another patient encouraged me. Diagonally opposite there was situated an old bearded dishevelled looking, very unpleasant man trembling in bed - half to rise half lying. That could be only the allegory for the death, which threatens me, I imagined. The trigger for this whole story had to be this meeting with this woman. That I imagined myself, because I had still these strange heart aches. If I were lying in bed, I couldn't (or wasn't allowed?) to turn to the left side because of these pains. I was lying at a wall. Behind it certainly again this ray device was aligned to me, I assumed. They monitored me somehow.

On the next day my parents came to visit. I complained loudly and hurt to my mother, how she only let me bring here. Whether she wouldn't have seen the show "Oh God, Mr. Pastor!" , tried I her instruct into my observations. Suddenly it became uncomfortably. Many people in the anterrom of the ward ran by us at one time. I aborted the conversation abruptly and disappeared into the watching hall.

During the next days I got a cramp in the face. The whole head was pulled by a mysterious power to the right and I couldn't close the mouth any longer. They tormented me obviously. Was that again a test? (nobody had cleared me up over the possible side effects of Haloperidol!) I inquired with a nurse, who was there for education, what that would be with my face. "Perhaps it is from the teeth cleaning", she said grinning. Teeth - mouth? Therefore! I had talked the last days too much about my realizations! Therefore the punishment with face paralysis! I decided not to talk no more about my realizations with nobody - that is probably the test agreement! I would have otherwise disappointed the East.

Everything was strange on the ward. Strange people, the patients. They all were still only actors! Why only I got Haloperidol? I was convinced, the others would only simulate - because of me. The station should be so a kind of shelter for me. At home with my parents would be it too dangerously because of the bad western, who were looking for me. Also the morning round was strange. Red chairs were set up in a cycle. The patients was said, what they are to be supposed. And I knew the psychologist of the ward from the school. Everything only a show because of me! Strange it was also that we had to stow our personal things away in a lockable box, in a narrow separate room. Into this room the nurses of the ward always went and locked behind theirself. Did they check our things? (whether they checked the things, I don't know, maybe. Anyhow they also got changed there.)

At the night I had always to stand up, to moisten my eyes and my mouth, because they were drying. That comes from the tablets, I thought. This was probably a stamina test again.

On Monday at the chief doctor's round I described him my pains and side effectst, however, I said nothing else. He did not ask questions about any observations of mine. I imagined, that must so be - the wise marabou says nothing to. The head nurse sat there and looked at me expectationful. I thought: No, I say nothing, otherwise I would be punished again with face paralysis.

Process: In the first days of the ward stay the pat. had substantial contact disturbances. He was affectively reduced oscillationable. There was a clear lack of drive. Perception disturbances could not be proven. Meaning and impairment experiencing, as the pat. described in the accommodation discussion (a woman had looked at him, and he knew immediately that he was connected with her intimately), were negated by the pat..

I came into a new room with only 4 beds and made occupational therapy - fretsaw working with wood. Once in the evening a new patient was brought into the ward. He was buckled onto a bed and raved. I got fear. Wanted he to stab me, he was looking like a food-pad? Strangely - after a few days he looked quite normally and also was no more strapped. My bed neighbour was a large fat monster with a loud trap. On the other hand another man was running around always at night and smoked. Once at night, when I returned from moistening, were a lot of crumbs and dirt in my bed. That is harassment, I thought. They wanted to provoke me! But I didn't let show anything. For nights I had bad nightmares. (in the sort of: skull skeletons are following me in the lanes to pour over around me with acid.) Starting from this point I wanted absolutely to go out of the hospital.

I came home over the weekend. But I was not feeling well. I was lying on the sofa fearfully and everywhere where I saw, I found references to myself. Also the picture with the young man with red cap, which hung in the hospital corridor, hung in miniature form also at home. Should I that be? Everything made fear to me, even the fly at the wall. At the Mondays round I trembled at the whole body. I said, I would have fear and the whole world would refer to me. Haloperidol was stopped. But I got Sonapax. (Sonapax = Melleretten; Retrospectively regarded I have to say with all caution,: In my case the Haloperidol treatment was something like mental torture.)

My dreams became better. In the occupational therapy I worked now with clay, which was very difficult for me, particularly since I felt observed by the other patients. On ward a patient asked me, why I actually was there. Because of a woman, I said partly truthfully. The East-West test seemed to me already finished. Also I did not want to talk about it. It would have sounded improbable for not initiates. I still was no crazy person! He would be there because of five women, meant the patient. And I should tell the physicians not too much, otherwise they kept me longer there. Oh, I thought, knew he something about my test? No, I don't say anything, I imagined. I wanted to live as fast as possible again a normal life, only out of the hospital!

I had probably still pains at the heart and described that to the chief doctor at the Mondays round. You see, that is your illness, he said, sooner or later I would have gotten it and it is not impossible that I get it sometime once more. Illness? Not on your life! I still was fit as a fiddle! (no word of the physician about nerve weakening and its symptoms and hallucinations. Indeed I believed that the doctor's round would be there only for the fact that the other "patients" reported about my behavior on the ward.) I imagined in such a way: They named me as ill, in order to protect me in this hospital from the other side, the West. Sooner or later I would have gotten it? That was still because of the meeting with this woman, this heart pain, I thought. Or was it predestination? And it could happen again? About that I was strongly concerned. Anyhow, I was promoted to day care patient, i.e. I was allowed to go home every day.

We treated the pat. first with Haloperidol. However, it didn't came to a definite change of the mental status, so that we changed him to Sonapax. Under this therapy the pat. altogether seemed more relaxed. The contact ability was clearly better, the drive was situated in the standard area. The occupational therapy ran without complications. We could have the pat. as day care patient.

Key PatternIn the occupational therapy, when I was drawing from a pattern, I felt observed again. The radio was on - RIAS 2 (Radio-station In the American Sector). That was still a west station! Belonged that to the test? I drew my multicolored lines on paper and noticed, how the music or the speaker reacted to my drawing movements. I looked at the ceiling. Here a camera had to be installed somewhere, which transmits live to Berlin! The test still continues, I imagined. In a part of the pattern you could see with good will a key. And it was a mirror-image. That was East and West and it was about key technologies, I assumed. Thereby also Manfred von Ardenne (a German inventor) came somehow into my mind. It was certainly about a revolutionizing discovery for the East. They let the West participate only apparently in the test. The West should certainly be presented as stupid, so that they would be black-annoyed. And I played a kind of main role therein because I had this fateful meeting with this woman.

On one day I came in the morning with the bus to the hospital. There were many Soviet military and their wives in the bus. Oh, I thought, that the "friends" had well organized. That gave the West no chance to approach to me. A railway barrier was closed. Traffic accumulated. That is a hint to me from the National Railroad, was clear to me spontaneously. I should step out one station earlier. I mingled with the people. So found me no American satellite!

At everything that seemed to me strangely, I believed in a special meaning. The hospital area with its old houses and trees seemed to me like a kind of holy swearing place from earlier thousands of years. I believed to have to run in lunch time determined distances. Looking from above it was certainly an oracle and the Russian satellites were recording it. Thereby I discovered that on the adjacent old Jewish cemetery all gravestones were aligned in east west direction. Did the old Jews know in the last century already from the forthcoming East-West test? Impressed me very much. When I looked to the sky, suddenly a sunbeam came through the clouds. That was a hint to me! From Petrus? Even the clerk of the weather didn't let me down!

At home I had - caused by my hypersensitivity of the perception - already noticed since longer that the television moderators were looking at me directly and dealt with my behavior. Could they really see me? I found an explanation for it. Somehow one must have given us special televisions. These were equipped with mini cameras and must have sent back probably always to the currently adjusted station, possibly over satellite. A few outstanding pixels obviously showed their position in the glass bulb. Refined made, I imagined. But could they also observe me, if the television was off? As a precaution I always had to be careful, what I said or did, when I was in the television view. That was arduous!

Unfavorable symptomatology

It was 4 weeks after hospital check-in and approx. 6 days after stop taking Sonapax. Several phenomena accumulated, which I could not assimilate rationally at all in my status:
      1. Additionally to the existing pains in the heart area, heart flutter came by Sonapax withdrawal.
      2. In the dark light effects were assumed, produced by the brain - after Sonapax withdrawal

      3. A special (magnetic?) sensitivity of the brain surface, a kind of recovery reaction 4-6 weeks after excessive brain straining with information. My assumption: You feel then the magnetic field of the earth in your head. A probable cause are iron-binding proteins in the liquid surrounding the brain.

It was Sunday night. I wanted to fall asleep. Suddenly I saw a lightning with my eyes. What was that? I put on the light. On the bed edge was somewhat, which looked like a burnt wood shaving (who knows, what it was - any crumb). I was convinced, they were after me. I should die of fear, almost killed from "lightning"! It came from the ceiling. There above in the neighbour apartment a test party must be. They had certainly perforated the ceiling! Since I did not find a hole, I tried to fall asleep again. I saw suddenly strange things in the dark as drawn with a laser beam. And yellow, green and pink lightnings. That was the combat ship "Galactica" with the Star Wars, I understood. Above in the apartment were the Americans! They had aligned a brain manipulation device to me! My heart was affected with cramp and was quite weak. If I remain lying here, I would die and the Americans would have won, I thought. I heaved my bed around, so that I was lying with the head elsewhere. Perhaps above they could not align their machine so fast. But there wasn't much point. The Star Wars continued in my head.

I had fear, my heart would stop, so unwell it was in my chest. I had to go into another room! I went into the living room. Any force tried to steer my head into a certain path. Above this room the Americans must have structured another device! They tried to position my head, probably to "suck off" my brain data . I couldn't permit that! I ran like a crazy person in the room back and forth, always abruptly changing the direction. But the uncanny force followed me with each movement. I imagined, this is a stamina test again - however, deadly seriously. If I stop, the force overwhelms my brain!

I don't know no more, how long I was running in such a way in the room. Anyhow after one while a solution occurred to me. So it could not continue. I got my digital quartz bell and cowered in the moon light at the balcony window, the view not turned away from the number display. If they have my brain under control, I said to me, then they see only an insignificant time-of-day. Sometime this test had to be an end. No, not looking high to the moon! Otherwise the American computers calculate the place from time-of-day and moon angle, where I was! I wasn't allowed to betray myself. Above perhaps only American devices were installed and run by the good ones - an East-West test agreement! After 2 o'clock I meant, the test was over. I also no more force felt at my head. I went into bed again and fell asleep undisturbed.

On Monday again in the hospital, I noticed, if I went along under the fluorescent lamps that then a force affected my head. These lamps operate still with thick magnetic coils! It became clear to me that my head was magneto-sensitive! Also at the aquarium I noticed it quite clearly, was it from the lamp or the humming pump. I was feeling bad and dizzy. The nurses didn't react to my hint to the aquarium. I fell down. I was carried by patients into the watching hall. Cold sweat was on my forehead. (the night before was probable too strenuous.)

The chief doctor and the ward lady doctor came to my bed. I tried to describe to them my magnetic sensitivity. I pointed to the lamp at the ceiling and how the field went into the head at the one side and outside at the other one. The physicians did not react at all to my hints. They weren't interested in that at all. They were probably only the pure managers of the test course and were not allowed on their part to intervene, I imagined. I got another bed and from the nurse each day an injection into the butt.

At the end of November 1988 the pat. became increasingly restless, the contact ability was clearly reduced, the pat. seemed to be distracted. He appeared affectively rigidly, he spoke loudly for himself, reached into air after invisible things, so that we assumed that the pat. was at the impression of acoustic and optical hallucinations. The treatment was continued with Haloperidol... By this the acute psychotic symptomatology faded away rapidly.

I was quite weak and shaky. When eating in the watching hall in opposite of me sat a badly injured man with a thick bandage. A force drew me to him. He should be the allegory for my status, I suspected. If I were lying in bed, I noticed that I had in the dark again light effects in the head. Above in the locked ward they must have aligned also such a brain influence device to me! This time certainly an east device, because the pictures were friendlier - no Star Wars. It was certainly a high-sensitive device, if it could assume and influence my electrical brain impulses over a distance of several meters, even trough the ceiling! It was certainly from Ardenne! I wanted to disturb the device, perhaps I could it even paralyze. Like already in the bad night I pressed myself with the fingers laterally into the eyes. By this the retina was pressed and it developed shimmering light effects. Also general eye pressing didn't help.

Dangerous doorBy the Haloperidol I became again very fearfully. At the opposite watching hall wall was a door not used any longer. The upper door square was divided into 4 smaller squares. If you omitted ever a half side length in the mind, so occured the figure of a swastika. The door made so much fear to me that I referred the nurse to it. Also on the green-black-cross-hatched blanket I discovered swastikas. Completely scared I asked for another blanket. The new blanket was spotted more pleasantly - red and brown. I was lying so there and stared high to the ceiling. There above was the device and monitored me! I got a compulsion, to write my name with my eyes at the ceiling. I was still in the test and was not allowed to tell about myself! In the middle of the first name I always strangled the process.

With the time the injection effects diminished and I had also no more fear. I had an undershirt, in that it rustled quite amazing electrically, if I took it off over head. I wanted to set the sensitive device above out of operation and let the sparks flew powerful at my head. I heard, how someone cried out loudly. That must have worked! Everything I wouldn't stand for any longer. But in the next night pictures were in the head, of which I meant, it would be again from the machine above. This had also effects on my sexual feeling and experiencing.

New fancies and obsessions

I was convinced, the whole ward commotion was executed in such a way only because of me. In finding of references to me I was already experienced and I discovered in the smallest things secret meanings. While I was lying in the watching hall, the RIAS station sounded through the ward. I always found in the reports allusions to me and the music was also unbearable - constantly "Don't worry, be happy!". It got on my nerves with no end. They wanted to torment me, the guys of the RIAS, I thought. Why could we listen to no East station on the ward? ( because the loudspeaker was connected with the radio of the nurse's lounge and they probably liked to hear RIAS - for the good music.) I did not bear this nerv-shattering sound. Therefore I asked the ward lady doctor to shift me into another room.

I was allowed to move. In the small room on the physician corridor were three beds. Here one didn't hear the radio any longer. Mostly I was alone now, because the other two had either vacation or were in the lounge. My new room was a special. From the outside was a quite normal door, but from the inside in former times still another door or a lattice must have been. A prisoner cell! This assumption expressed also a patient. I was thinking about it. Perhaps were locked up here in former times quite special people, in the Nazi period even political prisoners? I remembered to have seen in a film as such a poor chap had to stand in a cell the whole night, without moving. They had strewn flour over his feet, in order to make a possible movement visible. If he would have moved, he would have been shot.

If I were alone in the room, I began also with standing. I thought, this is again such a stamina test, they required of me. I should testify my solidarity with the former prisoners in this way. I was standing then so there, also in the dark, until someone disturbed me. If I were in the process lying me down, I heard a knocking from somewhere. I interpreted that as holding out signal, and was standing again. I was constantly monitored! In the walls were several black pegs. Perhaps also were micro cameras here inserted?

Sometime I remembered that they always said in the Third Reich "Heil Hitler!". No, it became clear to me, these words you may not even think. And do not express at all. I was still monitored. It would had been a death sin in our GDR state. The more I internally resisted, the more strongly grew this "Heil H..." in me. It was a real obsession. Or like an internal cramp and fight. Every time the brain wanted to try out the "H...", I formulated internally the counter-slogan "Lada Niwa". I had read this advertisement somewhere and used it in such a way as bulwark. This obsession went over several weeks.

When I had birthday, I got chocolates from home as gift. But I did not touch it. I was not allowed to eat it, because the prisoners in its cells also did not get such a thing. I was afraid, the West could focus my razor, that's why I didn't shave myself for a while. I got a reddish 4-day-beard. I remembered to have seen that the Lenin in the mausoleum in Moscow had also such stubble. That was again a test! I should feel myself like this Lenin. During waiting for the chief doctor's round on Monday I shaved myself nevertheless. It would have been an arrogance of me to represent me in the public as a Lenin.

In Armenia bad things happened this time. First an aircraft crash, then an earthquake. When knoting wall-hanging in the occupational therapy the RIAS newscaster got me. Even as I tightened a knot downward, he said: "aircraft crash in Leninakan ...". The West wanted to fool me into believing, I would have to do with it. As in the film "The frights of the Medusa", where a man brings a jumbo jet to the crash only with his eyes. The West wanted impute me supernatural forces! Did I have it?

Now another example of psychotic fancies: At weekend I was again at home. I was with my mother in the kitchen, the radio ran and outside was it already dark. The curtains were not closed yet and I feared the black night. I said: "I close the curtains. It is so black outside!". Thereupon the east newscaster said: "That is a political provocation!". That applies to me, I thought frightened. I had referred to Tschernobyl by mistake. "Tschorno bylo" is called in Russian "black was it" - a black day for the Soviet Union. I should not commentate that additionally.

If I watched television at home, it seemed to me that all shows had a reference to my person whether live or before-produced. Sometimes even in old films with Heinz Ruehmann dealt the actors with my problems and it seemed that they winked at me. This fancy strengthened with the weeks, even if it were now no longer due to acute brain overtaxing. The delusion became independent. The west transmissions I felt complicated and spiteful. They wanted to say to me: You can have everything from us. Come to us! See, what we all can do and what we everyting know about you! We make everything perfectly. We made the Lockerbie jumbo jet crash specially for you! Yes! Go crazy! Kill yourself! You enter history. Humans are weak and enticable.

The east transmissions were good-hearted and simply structured. They wanted to say to me: Do not have fear! You must only hold out! You do not have anything special. That is the love. That can still happen to good humans. We selected you for the test, in order to wipe out the west one. It will be everything well! You may only talk to nobody about it! Otherwise you are seen as crazy and the test is lost. The heart and the goodness must triumph over the perfectly manipulating confusion technique. Hold out! We all assist you!

I was really moved by so much sympathy. It was an unimaginable feeling to know to be spurred from all east actors and - moderators . What had I done to deserve that? It was certainly the test with my unusual heart pain magnet phenomenon. This constellation was quite rare, I thought by myself. With an animal doctor series the east television referred to our doggie at home. How dear! At all the dog was the only one at home, who understood me. I did not need to explain anything to him. He cuddled up to me and made me courage thereby. I couldn't tell anything to my family members about the test. They wouldn't believe it or would not cope with it either. I didn't let show anything.

Development of a catatonia

From Mondays until Fridays I was accommodated again in the hospital room, the "prisoner cell". I began to do without my usual lunch in the coffee break. Only one sip juice I allowed myself. You must show that I can hold out also without much meal , I thought, like the former prisoners here. At the breakfast I ate only one roll, one half with butter and jam, the other half only with butter (which I otherwise never did). More I wasn't allowed to allow myself. Every of my eating acts, so I thought, would be watched by the patients sitting at my desk.

In the occupational therapy I already knoted at my second wall-hanging. Unfortunately, they played there no eastern radio-station. I wasn't standing anymore in the hospital room. It was always somewhat embarrassing, if the nurse came in and I were there standing around in the dark. Now I was lying simply in bed in the dark in the afternoon and in the evening and tried nothing to think except to hold out. I waited for the meals. At meals I was careful not too early to stand in line or to sit down. I was still in the test! Although I was hungry, I was not allowed to show greed. At the lunch I always left something potatoes and meat on the plate. When coffee drinking I ate only one piece of cakes instead of usually two. At evening meal the nurse had almost always to get me, because I still wanted to be courageous and with the first call did not come. So I wasted away.

It was Christmas and I was at home with my parents. On the first holiday in the east came a fairy tale film - a fantasyful enriched Rapunzel story with the actors Renate Blume and Rolf Hoppe. I thought, the film is shown specially because of me. The beautiful girl was held by the bad stepmother in the tower. She cuts her off the long pig-tail and hangs it from the window. The young prince (that should be certainly a reference to me) climbs high at the pig-tail, but the bad old woman lets him fall in the thorn bushes. He blind and is brought in this status back to the castle. I became slowly uncomfortable. Should I go blind? Should I not still rather go out of the room and not watch television? Actress Renate Blume and the other actors seemed to affirm these my thoughts by their facial expressions and gesturing. Yes, I should not watch television! The television apparently harmed me and was a danger for the test.

Also in the evening, during the "Current Camera" (evening news), I think consciously for the speaker Klaus Feldman: "Should I go out?". "Yes, go out!", he made me understand with a winking . If I formulated this question internally at a western station, the moderators became quite hectically and came thick and fast in the presentation of references to me. They wanted to make me crazy! They would just love that! But I went out of the room.

In my mind the realization was formed that the test parties with the brain scanning machine could read my internal consiously literally formulated thoughts. And that at home and in the hospital. If they could read my thoughts, then they could see possibly also that, what I saw? I guess: The test agreement about me could be that the west still does not know, who I am and where I am, but only gets the data copied, which drop from my brain monitoring. So it was because of me whether I betrayed me and my environment. This was the key consideration for the catatonia.

I did not want to betray myself and also not my family members . I did not look no more into the mirror and mostly remained in my room, without light and looked into an insignificant corner. At the inevitable meal I looked at nobody more, went lowered view, looked only at wooden board with the sandwiches and could not be induced looking to the television also by the maddest gags from western stations. Also on Mondays at the doctor's round I hardly looked up to the physicians. The west would have otherwise seen them - through my eyes. They had certainly their scouts in the whole country. And they know certainly the chief doctor. I wanted not to endanger him and did not look at him. He didn't mind this situation at all. A death-courageous Russian! (afterwards looking, one could say, if it had not been the west, which could see through me as bad power, perhaps then it would have been something different, in earlier centuries maybe the devil.)

On weekend again at home I was mostly in my room. It was only dim light and I was there and looked only at the floor. I also believed to hear pounding noises, which should say to me: Hold out! The west no weakness show! Were only the quite normal noises in a house with many apartments. But I referred it all to me. My family members it became too much with me. They brought me back into the hospital.

Electroconvulsive therapy

On the next day I had to sign something. How could the lady doctor only require that I write my name? I was still monitored in the head! That was a revealing to the west! I came again into the watching hall and I should dress the pyjamas. With the bed I was driven into the physician corridor. I tried to look at nobody. I should make a fist with the right hand - a prick - I melted away and became unconscious.

In the evening I woke up in bed. I did not know at all, what had happened to me. The fancies had me in the grasp right again. I looked up to the window. The light brown blanket on the window board was the Sahara. And the green curtains, that was Libya. And over the sea the American F-16 has shot the Libyan aircrafts! Such strange allusions were in my mind. What did I have to do with it? In the next morning I was driven again into the corridor. From the RIAS ward loudspeaker sounded: "... he is fallen into a hole." What meant this? The RIAS brought only references to me. Was I fallen into a black hole? I melted away again.

Brain under PowerIt was already night. In the watching hall were lying the patients and slept. Only the green night lamp gleamed. I had slept long enough and asked myself, what had happened to me. I had still the "taste" of the anaesthetic in the lung and in the breath. It was so shallow in my chest! As if it was completely dissolved. Hereby the thought spiral started. I was really fallen into a black hole! Therefore I became unconscious! If one falls into a black hole, still everything is past, I considered. Why do I still live? The whole earth must have disappeared! Via any coincidence, which must have to do with my head, it had not been done. Our universe had not disappeared, but had inverted itself along a DNA in my head! The chance 1: 1 billion to get over a black hole. This was my consideration. The taste in my breath - that had to be the DNA.

The scientists of the earth had foreseen that! Therefore this test with me. They knew that I had this magnetic anomaly in my head and had me prepared to this day, when the earth falls in the black hole. With me the chance would have been there to survive. And it had worked. East and West were only apparently rivals! They both had meant it good with me. The test had to be secret! Nobody was allowed to know something from the black hole, otherwise general panic would have broken out and the enterprise would have been endangered. I went around with these considerations in the dark watching hall. It was a bizarre situation. The green night lamp was on. That was the earth! We had gotten over it.

It was Saturday morning. Beside me in the watching hall was again Rainer. The Rainer, who had welcomed me on the first day in the hospital - pure seriosness (reiner Ernst)! "Why?" I asked myself. The earth was still saved! Or was there just another large danger? Rainer was impulsive. He went around with long steps ecstatically in the ward. He had been the whole time above in the locked ward. I should watch out and make no stupidities, he said. That had to mean something! His trousers were designed at the side with stars. He went around again impulsively. He welcomed me again and I should watch out. I tried to get out the sense and read its utterances from the rear around, but only quite superficially, but the result was language salad. In the course of the day I got the realization that a dangerous instability was in my head, which was forced by clear thoughts. I should watch out that I form internally no normal sentences, otherwise the whole universe would be over - an enormous supernova! Rainer helped me thereby. I read his spontaneous expressions always from the rear around and always came out the warning: Watch out! Do not formulate sentences in your mind! My internal language motor functions flew from a thing on the other. I wanted to protect all. On me depended the continuing of the world. I was not allowed to get weak!

On ward was an older man, looked in his wine-red bathrobe like Santa Claus. Why was he here? Christmas was already past. I explained myself with the fact that the time had stopped. By inverting the universe along the DNA the time was removed! Which meant this, I asked myself. There was no more aging process. Everything remained in such a way, as it was. Everything was immortal! That was the terrible price for the chance of surviving the black hole. Despite the handicap by my ordered internal language confusion I continued with my Science fiction considerations: We all thought and felt like organisms, but there was no more life! Even the trees outside were immortal, dead subject, which functioned by the internal perfect structure of nature. Before the black hole it was nature. But now no more. There was no more the factor error any longer and thus no aging! And the second price for it was that I was on always and eternally condemned to confuse my thoughts i.e. to formulate no clear sentences. (It is just quite strange that such fantastic thoughts were released only by the fact that I saw someone in a red bathrobe. But in the delusion a fancy comes after the next. And for one itself everything seems logically. It would have been terrible, if the physicians had aborted the electroconvulsive treatment in this stage. It was not a pleasant status and indeed not harmless for me, which the next statements are to describe.)

Another man on ward was already older, had white hair. That was the dear God! We all here are now gods, I thought. Because we were immortal. The thing had still a catch, I detected. Obviously could nobody move away from his current place of beeing. We were condemned on eternal to stay at our place, even the nurses and physicians.

UN symbolIn the television on ward the news of the day ran. Beside the speaker was the symbol of the earth and under it was a laurel ring. They acknowledged it to me: The earth and all creatures on it became immortal. The fact that it was only the UN symbol did not bother me. At the reaction of the newscaster I noticed that I was not allowed to formulate clear internally. He became immediately anxious and spoke of explosion. Therefore they had set the brain scanning machine on me! The scientists and the responsible persons of the earth had to be able to watch, what I was thinking, so that they could take measures, in order to prevent clear thoughts in me and so the supernova. Even the bitter consequence that they had to kill me in the interest of the earth, was not impossible. But they had confidence to me that I held out. Rainer was trained specially in America, in order to support me during the thought confusion, I thought by myself, looking at his star trousers. He was my eternal counterpart!

It was still weekend. My mother and my sister came to visit. Unfortunately, I could not deal with them. I had to confuse my thoughts. Afterwards I asked myself: Why could they away from home? Everyone still had to be on his place. Perhaps they not and perhaps I also not, I thought. Could I go home? I went out, however, was returned by the nurse. The ward door was locked specially because of me. I wanted absolutely outside and tore up the nurse her white coat, when I wanted to get her bunch of keys by force out of the smock bag. Fortunately I did not have success.

In the next week were the last three electro-treatments. I was driven again on the physician corridor. The devices, which they wanted to set on me, were certainly against the instability in my head. I passed out again. In the evening I woke up slowly from my doze. So it could not continue, I thought by myself. This thought confusion I certainly do not hold out. Exit signWhere was the solution? I discovered an exit sign at the door, behind there the old Grandpas were lying: A stylized person runs out of a green door. The head of the person was separate from the trunk. That had to be it! They had to eliminate me! Exactly like that it had to be done. But how and where? Waiting for dematerialization ...I searched the ward. Finally I found the place, where it had to be happened. It was the patient WC of the watching hall. Above in the wall was a small window. Behind it I saw the other house. In a roof hatch a light was on. From there it had to be happened! Probably I will be dematerialized, I thought. But somehow I wanted to survive nevertheless. I tore out myself a quantity of hair and shifted it under the door through into the adjacent bathroom WC. If I would be now dematerialized, then the scientists could reconstruct me again from my hair-root DNA and then without head instability. Yes, so it will be, I assumed. I sat for a long time in the WC so there and waited for my dematerialization. To kill me by myself would have been a sin. Additionally it could have gone wrong and I would have get thereby terriblly clear thoughts. No, I remained sitting and waited. A patient, the dear God, asked me sometime, what I made so for a long time in the WC. I obeyed and went to bed.

Recovery

During the last electro-shock treatment I asked beforehand already quite interested, what devices that were. Oxygen! Really? I got again a narcosis. I believe, I had slept 2 days after it. They wanted me already almost on the drip. It was Saturday morning. I looked around and stated that I was in a hospital. The people around me I all still knew from somewhere! I remembered only vaguely the last time. What I all had imagined myself! All it was humbug! If I were in a hospital, I must have been probably ill. I had slept fantastically and had an excellent mood. With the male nurse Timmi I played table tennis and joked with the female nurses.

On Monday at the round I said: "I feel a new man, the whole world around me is as new. I could tell you several-day-long, what I all had imagined myself. In the end it was quite bad. Then the syringe was the release."

At the beginning of January the patient developed a catatonic symptomatology in the sense of a catatonic stupor. With use of altogether 6 electroconvulsive therapies the catatonic stupor could be broken through. He offered now again a productively psychotic status picture. He felt changed. Everything that occurred on the ward, had a special meaning...

I told the physicians still that the processes on the ward and the personnel played a role in my fancies. With the next rounds I told then already as well as nothing at all about my terrible fancy time, because it came me again into memory that a patient had advised me to tell not too much. Otherwise they keep yourself only longer in the hospital. At that time I wove this advice into my delusion, but now I could judge it more rationally. That was perhaps quite good so, as it turns out now subsequently during the reading of the hospital report . I was healthy again. I knew that. But what the physicians thought, there I was already distrustful. Apart from the electro-treatment they had left me alone with my illness the whole time. I asked the ward lady doctor, what I would have had. She was gently to me and said only, it would have been a serious endogenous psychosis. (The correct medical term I learned only much later, in the course of the study of this illness. The physicians don't tell it the patients necessarily on their part.)

I got prescribed 3 time 2 Sonapax (Melleretten) and was knoting again wall-hangings in the occupational therapy. Now the radio did not disturb me any longer. At the lunch I always got second helping, so an appetite I had. Once two attendants wanted to have a man on ward into their power, in order to bring him to the locked. He began to rave: "I am a skilled worker!!" But that concerned me already no more. It was only no beautiful sight. From the end of January up to the dismissal at the end of March I was day care patient. On the parting day Rainer from the locked station signed down: "Hello Bodo! Good-bye!"

The further treatment took place with Sonapax. Under this treatment the productive psychotic symptomatology faded away gradually. The dailyclinical guidance as well as the application in the occupational therapy ran complicationless. After mental stabilization the pat. on 22.3. could dismissed home able to work. We ordered first a light job for 4 weeks with a daily work time of 5 hours.

Well, that were still times! I could get used gradually over several months again to work in the company. The GDR had a good integration of patients and disabled people. At today's time I would have lost my job, after all I was 5 months unable to work!

Life with a handicap

The physicians warned of it, but I couldn't no more imagine to get a relapse into this illness. My main problem were the side effects - reduced nose respiration, mouth dryness and sexual disturbances. I also felt emotional very subdued. After 1½ years I stopped taking the tablets as a test against doctor's advice. After 5 days I got anxieties, the heart fluttered, also there were again optical phenomena in the dark (Sonapax withdrawal). After taking a dragee I calmed down again. In the next time I undertook very much. West Berlin was open - investigation tours with the bicycle - many new impressions, beautiful weather - investigation tours in the Mark of Brandenburg country (I had short-time work).

One day I got after something stress suddenly a strong feeling of pressure above the left collar-bone. I started feeling unwell and I took a dragee Sonapax, which I had with me thank God. In the evening I got fear, a trembling and heart anxieties. I thought, I would have to die. The emergency doctor said, I should take again the tablets and go on the next day to my lady doctor. In the following time I had strong pains at the left neck side with shoulder chest radiant emittance. Each effort of brain did pain. Suddenly again there were the allusions from the television. I frightened, however, detected that this came from the overtaxed brain. I withdrew myself. After two weeks the horror was past. 4 weeks after the evening of fear of heart I got also again the magnet phenomenon. I noticed, how a force penetrates my head in a certain direction. The magnetic field of the earth!? After 2 days was also that past. Only strong pulling on the neck remained still several weeks.

My second relapse : After arduous application discussions (by then I was unemployed), after a very painful antibiotic treatment and a stressful highway trip I got such heart anxieties and so much fear in the evening in bed that I thought for seconds: You must kill yourself! It was unbearable, enough to jump out of the window. I calmed down with my own voice. I got over the night - however with nightmare. In the following days I was quite weak. Even discussions at the desk were too much for me. Allusions from newspapers and TV were also again there. If I would have gone into the hospital, they would have given me certainly again Haloperidol. But I wanted to avoid that. After one week of total information abstinence I dared again out of the apartment. Only at a black car I came past only under largest overcoming and with heart anxieties. (with the colours, particularly with red and black, that must be somehow a paleologic of the brain - in the sense: Avoid black, look up red! Why like that is, someone would have to investigate.) The heart pain did not leave so simply. This time there was no magnet phenomenon. With stress the pains in the left chest side swelled again and again. I tried to live and work in such a way that the pains remained in the bounds of the bearable. 1992 I noted for the first time my psychosis memories, with typewriter, and only for the family. In the years before it I had collected the memory fragments on notes, if somewhat occurred to me, I noted it immediately.

Since I get Fluanxol in a low dosage, so I have a normal life, no heart pains occur and the feeling of head pressure disappears, which is present without medication. I am thus absolutely dependent on this medicine, in order to stay healthy. A little relapse again: Trigger was one night without sleep. I got again heart anxieties and fear, so that I could not drive with the rapid-transit railway. The many passengers and their discussions are in such a status too much stress. Sleep is very important for me. I need my 9 hours.

A problem is also, how do I tell the not visible handicap to my environment. If I have no choice but to tell someone something about my illness then I say only, I have it with the nerves or it is a metabolic disease - the diagnosis is not of their business, schizophrenia sounds not so good either, does it?



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Translated from German with the help of http://babelfish.altavista.com
and additional revision.

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